Something is wrong with me this week. And somewhere deep in me knows that.
It was bothering me so much last night that I went online and found the cache of the article of me on the Straits Times, I cannot remember too much about it right now, but it was titled: I don’t want to die.
During my business trip to India a month ago, I was petrified when the co-worker showing me around showed me where the Taj Hotel was bombed, or where the train bombings went off. Like something in me went off.
Something, deep inside of me, really went off. And over the weekend, its like and somehow I ,managed to almost got myself in a stupid situation once again. When everyone had plans and resolutions of what to do in 2012, mine was literally: Do not die.
What does it mean? It means that life is a gift and that I was not meant to be here.
It means that there were so many things which I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to do crazy things with it, and live life for it is. It means that it is possible to do anything, to work for whatsoever, to shop whenever, to go wherever, to date whosoever.
It means that there were so many things which I have yet to do, like life when you’re 20-something means that there is still a (possible) great 20 more years to go before you die. Like its the next best 20 years of your life where I was meant to work for the most interesting of projects, travel all around the world, fall in love with somebody wonderful and have a life you are proud of telling your grandkids about.
So, when I put myself in a situation like that again. It strucks possibly the toughest nerve in my brain. It really hits me like absolutely nothing I can comprehend properly. It freaks me out about the possibility that my life ends here and I never get to do all the things which I wanted to do. Simply because there is already so many more things which I still want to do. And admittedly, a certain part of me is scared that I would never get a chance to do all that.
Makes sense? And hence when a person wants time to be manipulated – past to a certain point, or back to a certain point, I don’t understand, and neither do I get it. Because we should probably always like ourselves as-is; whether we are a sorority girl, or a strategy consultant; because as-is and the fact that the future is unknown (and hopefully we don’t die in the process) is what makes life well, happy.
